How to (probably) Hook Up with Your Psychiatrist Instead of Getting on Dating Apps in 2019 Pt. 1

My profile pic for Supernatural Dating Society™
I blame my friend “Namelia" for planting the idea in my head in the first place. 

I texted her while waiting for my appointment with a new psychiatrist. All I said was that he was like, 35 and a guy. She asked if he was hot. I said he seemed like a big nerd. She wrote back, "you love nerds." 

Do I?

As I walked out of his office I texted her again. "I'm probably going to end up fucking my psychiatrist." She told me I was a cliché. Maybe. I think I'm just dehydrated. 

Here's what happened: 
He's a man, he was asking me things and listening to me talk. Obviously, that means I must love him. #standards

*clock* He's not wearing a wedding ring. 

*clock* He's asking me a lot of questions about my love life.

-You mentioned a breakup? Yes 

-Was I still single? Yes. 

-Was I dating? Not really. 

-Did I want to be dating? ....
It took all of my willpower not to make the terrible joke, "Are you asking to try to get a professional medical opinion so you can prescribe and manage my anxiety medication or because you're interested?"*
*Not totally clear why I have an extremely hard time in any psychological setting not making sardonic or inappropriate jokes about my mental health. Because while, No I have never actually had homicidal thoughts, but when asked I still have the urge to blurt out, "besides they guy who just dumped me? Haha ha..." But then I think they put you in an asylum or arrest you or something, regardless of joke status.**
**After listening to Season 1 of SERIAL, I tell people I'm going to murder them a lot less frequently over text message. But not never. I'm still human.*** 
***I did manage to get one crack in during this current session about using whiskey for my anxiety, which new psych told me he was not going to put in my notes. See, HE gets it. Maybe we are perfect for each other.

-Did I want to be dating? Sure. I just haven't found anyone to date. And I'm not on any apps or anything. 

-Why not? Because I find the idea of being on a dating app nauseating and terrifying at the same time.


-Sounds like something you should probably do then.... 

Ughhhh. Is this the way our relationship is going to be? Remember when you were enabling? and got my joke about whiskey? Now it's all about, do the things that scare you, lean in, work on your obvious issues with judgment, rejection and self worth 🙄

I've never been on a dating app. 
I don't know that I've ever actually ever been on a real date.
I usually just get drunk and fuck my friends, or coworkers, until it turns into a relationship. Which we all know is the best way to find love. <3 

I take it back. One time in 2015, before I was fucking my then coworker turned 2.5yr boyfriend, I got wine drunk during a snowstorm and signed up for Tinder. I deleted the app after 5 minutes, but not before doing a LOT of screenshotting. Maybe location makes a difference, we were shooting in Albuquerque, but riddle me this: Why does every guy have a profile picture of themselves with a fucking tiger or armed to the teeth with guns? Because I think I could cope with that shit a lot better after you buy me dinner and a drink  a few drinks. Also is this guy's real name Rampage? 

I received a few messages: 
One guy was stranded at the airport... did I want to meet up? (it was almost 2am)
One guy just kept texting "hi" when I didn't respond.
One guy whose profile pic was him and an elderly woman, that I very much hope was his grandmother, told me if I was a fruit I'd be a fineapple... And if I was a vegetable he'd stay by my bedside everyday praying for a miracle until he had to make the hard decision to pull the plug etc etc. Which, points for making me chuckle at the pure douchebagery of that pickup line you, no doubt, stole from Reddit, but ultimately, he seemed way too religious.

This beautiful experience +the horror stories of my friends/the internet+having met plenty of nauseating guys "in real life" = my deterrent from ever getting on the apps again.... cuz it just seems like being able to make terrible decisions faster and with less information? And I do fine on that front without any help from technology.****

****This rational, of course, ignores any aforementioned issues/fears of my own regarding judgment, rejection, self worth and let's just go with it.

But now 4 years later, I’ve been thinking it's time to give the apps another shot. As my future boyfriend said, “As your psychiatrist who’s in his early 40s  (I was close), I hear a lot about dating apps in this office. It seems like everyone is on dating apps.” 

Even "Namelia" is on Tinder in "Smexico" and having a (mostly) great time meeting people. She's also currently "so hungover [after her date last night] that project runway is making her cry." Sign. Me. Up.

I figure, I'm at a place in my life where I’m finally moving on from my last mind fuck of a relationship, I’m working, I’m writing, I’m pretty happy (Thanks Prozac!™), and I guess now is the time to face my fears and grow, or whateverthefuck. LA can be lonely and in general I like meeting new people. Also I barely go out anymore, and unfortunately there is no one I can sleep with at my office, so both of my old die hard strategies are out. 

Plus I already have two cats.

And maybe it will be fun to surprise strange men with my luscious locks of leg hair. SURPRISE! 
I'll wait til after dinner they pay for dinner. 

It's either that or I find a new psychological ailment to be afflicted with ASAP.

I’m open to suggestions. 

Hey! Did you know you can subscribe to this blog? Me neither. Until like, a week ago. BUT. You can. Just enter your email address, or that of a person you hate, at the top of the page where it says SUBSCRIBE, and you'll get an email notification whenever I post a new blog! Joy!

You can also find me on MEDIUM and help get me paid $$$ for writing!


  1. swipe right / double tap / however tha fuk i show my utter intrigue


Post a Comment

Popular Posts