How to Live Your "Best Life" in 2019 and Still Not Shave Your Legs

Photo evidence of my "Best Life"
Ahhhhh yes. It's 11 days into the new year, and I can still smell the scent of unabashed hope. Ambition. Promise! It lingers.

I'm still pretending that despite not actually setting any goals or intentions for the year ahead, I will most likely wake up tomorrow and have suddenly become the healthy, productive, fearless human I've always wanted, nay, known I could be! Even the Ikea email I got this morning told me I could start living my best life in 2019, and if anyone knows anything about quality, it's Ikea.

So how does one live their "best life" this year? According to Oprah, Forbes, NYT and every headline I've ever scrolled past on Medium without actually reading the article, the most important component to succeeding in all aspects of life, the one thing all highly successful people have in common, is the existence of a morning routine. I don't want to toot my own horn, but I feel I have mine down to a science:

We all know that a fruitful morning begins the night before. That's why every night before bed, I make sure to drink enough bourbon to sufficiently wash down my chewable melatonin so that I can combat the blue light emitted from my computer screen as I pass out with my neck in an awkward position and Netflix playing 8 inches from my face.

Between 1:00 and 2:00am I wake up at least once to ineffectively readjust my sleeping position on the $150 foam mattress I bought off of Amazon (another company synonymous with quality). Then I blearily stumble to the bathroom to brush my teeth and vow that tomorrow night, I really will take off my eye makeup and wash my face before bed. I take off my pants. Nighttime beauty routine complete!

3:00am - Wake up in a panic because I can't move my legs. Realize it's because they are pinned between two of the most precious snuggly kittens of all time. Decide to stay in uncomfortable position rather than wake them as they've probably only had 18 hours of sleep today.

3:30am - The broken rooster down the street begins to crow. His clock is off, poor guy. I wonder if I'm going to die alone.

4:30am - 5:30am- One or more kittens decides they are unhappy peacefully sleeping and needs some rubs. If it's girl cat, she purrs loudly and headbutts my hand into petting her. If it's boy cat, he squats on my chest and paws at my face until I let him under the covers to snuggle into my neck (Lagniappe: Sometimes he hides toys under there, and I find them in my neck crevice in the morning). He then proceeds to bite my nose, chin, and neck if my hand does not continually pet and scratch his head for the hour. I groggily remember the 5700 tasks I've ever needed to get done. Question what I'm doing with my life.

5:45 - I'm wide awake. Decide I should get up now and seize the day! Start scrolling Instagram.

6:10am - Wake up with phone in hand when alarm for yoga goes off. Immediately turn off alarm and swear I'll go tonight after work. Chuckle at my joke. Chastise self for being a lazy POS.

6:30 - More cat stuff.

6:50 - Boy cat starts stalking around my bed yowling for food. I angrily tell him he needs to learn how to read a clock and to leave me alone. So dramatic.

6:55am - Both cats sit looking at me pitifully and mew beside my bed. Bad kittens.

7:00am - I hide under my covers while boy cat assaults me with his combo move, biting my face and wildly meowing. DEVIL KITTENS.

7:02am - I give in to my rulers' demands and begrudgingly get up. I get the cats their food as quickly as possible so that I don't start lactating from their incessant cries. I don't know if this can actually happen, but it feels like it could.

7:05am - Get hydrated! The Japanese begin every day by drinking a large glass of water first thing, so I pour myself a large glass of cold brew coffee. I'm too fucking lazy to make a cup of hot coffee. Resolve to drink like, 4 bottles of water at work.

7:06am - Briefly contemplate all the things I could get done if I just started my day now.

7:06:30am - Get back in bed and fall asleep HARD.

8:15am - My final alarm goes off. I'll probably never make it as a writer. Snooze.

8:24am - The snooze goes off. Brainstorm jobs that don't require me leaving bed. Snooze.

8:33am - Snooze goes off again. I reaallllyyy have to get up now. Without fail, Boy cat gets back into bed and begins to purr and knead while making intense and direct eye contact with me. I tell him that some of us have to go to work so we can put food on his kitty table, but he flops over and begins the day's installment of "The Cuddle Awards" -- whereby he is so fucking cute and snuggly and just wants to cuddle up next to me, and I pet him and bestow awards upon him: "Best Solo Cuddle," "Best Cuddle by a Tabby Cat," and of course, "Overall Achievement in Purring."

Judging The Cuddle Awards, while an honor, has really cut into other aspects of my life.  If girl cat gets in on it, forget it. Office coworkers will have to make their own damn coffee while I'm "swinging by the store on my way in. Be there soon."

Fun Fact: While this year's Golden Globe viewership was down, ratings for the Cuddle Awards was up 76%!

Yes, I'm aware how much I'm writing about my cats. Try talking to me at a bar....

8:45am - I have to be in my car, driving away, right now, to make it to work on time, so I get out of bed.
Guess I won't be showering today! Again.
I brush my teeth, swipe a disposable wipe under my arms followed by some deodorant that will likely give me cancer, and pray my makeup is in the car. Morning beauty routine complete!

8:58am - Throw on the closest clothes I can find, shove my laptop into my bag, and decide that since I have 2 minutes to make it to work in LA traffic, now is the best time to organize the mail on the counter, and I should probably make my bed after all....

9:03am - I tell the kitties to have a good day as I run out of the house and hope that my watch is randomly fast today.

9:04am - Bust back into my house after realizing I've forgotten my phone/badge/keys/a tampon.

9:19am - Success! Made it to work without killing anyone while driving with my knee and doing my makeup on the 101. Pretend I've been in my office for the last 20 minutes.

11:00pm  - As soon as I hear the "ice cream truck" that circles my block way past children's bedtimes playing "Turkey in the Straw" for the third straight hour, I know its time to start my process all over again!

So if you are like me, and apparently thrive on barely making it through the day, let alone any progress on your creative endeavors, I suggest finding a morning routine like the one above so that you too can "limp along at life" in 2019!

Fuck you Ikea.

Boy Cat - Combo Move
Girl Cat - Over It


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